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Sometimes I think about the person I could have been. The person I should have been. I know its arbitrary and irrational to think this way, because to compare myself to should-have-been me is to compare myself to a fictitious idea that I can make into whatever I want. I know that I will never know who that person would have been, and realistically different life experiences would have changed that person just as my illness has changed who I am. But still. If it is truly survival of the fittest, and I have been this strong to survive this long, then how much stronger would I have been if I never got sick? How much better?



I have these dreams

of what my life could be

should be

or would be

without pain. 

I have these dreams where 

I run and swim 

and live


I have these dreams where

I love freely and openly

not worrying about whether

they are okay with my disability. 

I have these dreams where

every day

is a new start

full of possibilities 

and full of hope.

and then I wake up.

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